"We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God." James Madison

Friday, September 01, 2006

So you want to date my daughter, eh?

I stole this straight up from Gunz. Clearly, he and I have the same disposition when it comes to boys calling on our daughters. Young men, this is required reading before the doorbell rings. If there are any questions remaining after reading this, it is obvious intellegent thought does not exist between your ears, and you are not welcome. Go home.

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"Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine."

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune in a Middle Eastern Desert. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


cut on line and return to Gawfer
Name:___________________________ Date of Birth:______________________ Height:__________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________
Social Security Number:___________________
Driver's License #:____________
Boy Scout Rank:_______________________________________
Home Address:____________________________ City:____________________ State:____________________________ Zip Code:__________________
How fast can you run: 40 yards?_______________ 2 miles?___________________
Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Waterbed?_____
Do you have an earing, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________ NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises!
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
Church you Attend:______________How often do you attend?_________
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone, ever.) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.
A Women's place is in the _________________________.
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.
In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.
My greatest fear is__________________________________________.
When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________. NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises. Keeping your head low, and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________
Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_______
Your dentist is____________ Emergency phone #____________.

Sign Here in your own blood:___________________________